Today, I’m gon na teach you how to stop arguing with your girlfriend and get to grips with one of the most frequently asked questions I hear from my audiences.
Typically, something like that is going on… “No matter what I do or how hard I try, my relationship is full of constant arguments. Are we supposed to break up or argue in a relationship?”I’m going to get it. And trust me, I’ve already been there.
The sad truth is that most people have no idea about girls and sex.
Our family and the education system have disappointed us miserably in our love or social life (but yeah, it’s not like they’re the most important part of our lives or anything else).
We’ve never known how to avoid the conflict, how to deal with the marriage battles, or how to make up for the fight. Most specifically, we have never known how to differentiate between safe and unsanitary forms of tension in a relationship, and to decide whether violence is the product of a solveable dilemma or an unequal marriage.
As a consequence, most of the battles are likely to leave you behaving like this:
I don’t Know what we are arguing about?
I want to change that today.
In the last decade, I’ve had a lot of amazing friendships, and I’ve experienced many more that have been ruined by constant infighting and differences of opinion. But along the way, I’ve learned (the hard way) that trying to avoid and resolving conflict, though not easy, will be much simpler than most people know.
Here are six quick tips that will show you how to stop fighting your partner and finally enjoy the healthy, happy relationship you both want.
Let’s get in there.
Before We Get Started: Recognize Relationship Fights Are common
One of the most common questions I’ve heard is this: “Is arguing healthy in a relationship how often do most healthy couples fight?”In truth, the response is quite shocking.
According to studies by Dr. John Gottman, a psychological psychologist, clinician, and founder of The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work, there is actually a scientific answer to this question. In the 1970s, Dr. Gottman and one of his colleagues, Robert Levenson, started longitudinal studies of people to try to identify what makes marriage work and what causes it to fail.
Couples are told to sit in a room (while being recorded)
In fact, their finding was quite simple. They realized that the equilibrium between positive and negative relationships is the difference between a happy and unhappy relationship. We noticed, in general, that 5:1 is the “magic ratio” for making a relationship work. Means that a stable relationship has five or even more interactions during a fight for each bad encounter.
If you think your relationship falls into the “magic ratio” right now, then stop beating yourself up. Just fighting the healthiest couples and a few disputes doesn’t mean ending the relationship.
But if your relationship is mired by constant struggle and your “relationship ratio” is more like 1:5
1. Explain What you want and then Own It Without Shame
One of the most common reasons why people pick fights in relationships is because they don’t feel, knowingly or unknowingly, that they meet their needs within their relationship.
Within a marriage, it is easier for people to lose themselves and realize that they are a person with specific needs.
And you must first recognize why you are fighting in the first place before you could even effectively learn how to prevent an argument or how to make up after a fight.
What needs were you not being met? You need a sex life that is more active and participating? Do you need a financial support partner? Do you need that?.
You’re not going to get it unless you decide what you want. Relationships are all too often wrecked because one or both partners are unwilling to be frank about their desires and make them recognised.
Take a little time to decide exactly what you want to feel happy and content with your companion. Use the next tip to finally have it until you know precisely what it’s lacking from your marriage.
2. How to Stop an Argument Before It Begins and Get Your Needs Met
Of the many gross mistakes that men and women make when confrontation flames start flying, none is more hazardous than falling back on what I call “statements of totality.” If you want to blow your relationship, please say things like:
“You always do this. Or, you are never there when I need you.”
These phrases always pop up whenever I see a couple fighting. Such claims divert all of you from the source of your problems, apart from being patently false (I have never seen an example where “still” and “never” was actually true).
You are two sentient beings that communicate with others on a daily basis, each with different views, behaviors, and patterns. And the views, behaviors, and actions of one party are irritating and/or viewed by the other as intolerable.
That’s what it is.
Full comments threaten the integrity of your friend. We make statements as to who the other person is rather than what they are doing and do and often lead to conflicts and disagreements about relationships. And from the start.
You can’t ask your companion to modify who they are (and you need to leave the relationship if you feel they need to). But you can ask them to adjust specific actions and habits that trigger confrontation. So try this method next time you want to ask your partner to make a change— whether that’s in their financial habits, behaviour, health, or just the fact that they’re’ always’ leaving their damn hair stuck to the shower curtain.
First: Identify a Specific Behavior You Want to Change
Second: Start Important Conversations
Third: Explain the Situation and How it Makes You FEEL
Fourth: Articulate the Change You Want, Empathize With Her Feelings, and Create a Clear Benefit for Her
3. Clarify What She Needs to Eliminate Stupid Arguments and Make Her Feel Loved
When you know that your boyfriend doesn’t fight for anything (such as leaving the toilet seat or failing to put the lid on her toothpaste), she probably isn’t really mad about what you are fighting for. What’s more likely is that in one or more aspects of your marriage she won’t meet her expectations and she’s pissed off about it.
4. Cultivate Self-Awareness and Always Look for the Root of Your Emotions
Did you know that 90% of the serotonin in your body (the neurotransmitter responsible for managing your mood and many other things) is generated in the gut?
No, no? Well, you do that now.
But what does serotonin mean to conflict in your relationship, and why are am I talking about this to you?
A lot, as it turns out.
You see, as humans, involving human beings, in the 21st generation, with the endless parade of stimulus that is altering both our minds and our moods, we are awful in deciding precisely both what we feel and why we feel it.
We’re often misassigning our feelings. Regrettably, this tends to be our problem.
Until you indulge in confrontation, isolate your thoughts from the current situation and ask yourself, “What is really happening here and is it your fault?
5. Remember the “20-Minute Rule”
The simplest, but most heartfelt way you can reduce your romantic relationship number of conflicts is to recall what I call the “20-minute rule.” If something about today is not going to matter for 20 years, don’t let it destroy your day for more than 20 minutes.
In other words, devote yourself to halt irrelevant small fights.
Twenty years from today, it won’t matter to the dirty laundry. Nobody’s going to care who left the chair in the bathroom or why. And after all, her simple request to shut off the screen because speak to her won’t seem like such an intrusion.
Then bring it off. Forget about it and get on with it.
6. If the Arguing Continue: Separate, Dissect, and Either Reunite or Separate
Occasionally, with all your best efforts, the constant struggle persists and you know that your marriage can not be rescued. If your relationship is still troubled with perpetual conflict after all that I have set out in this essay, then you have to make a decision.
But in the heat of battle you can’t do it.
Set aside a period of time— usually, a long holiday is enough— where you’re going to separate from your spouse and clear your head and explain what’s going on within your partnership.
You’re going to deal with a couple of key issues during this period.
Are the problems created by poor communication and mismatch in my marriage (e.g. being with the wron).
7. (Bonus) Go to Bed Angry as Hell
Ignore the advice of your parent to “never go to bed angry” and recognize that instead sleep deprivation would be worse for your conflict than wallowing over a 20-minute dilemma before you try to sleep.
Your ability to regulate your impulses (and your tongue) is reduced when you are sleep-deprived. You’re more distracting. You are less empathic. And to manage confrontation properly, you have less physically and mentally power.
To be honest, if you’re arguing late in the night with your wife, the best thing you can do for your marriage is to walk up to her, embrace her, kiss her on the cheek and say, “I focus on this tomorrow”